Do you like the Padres? Even as a child I've loved the padres. It was my favorite thing to watch at night.
When I was in kindergarten, my dad showed up at my school and took me out early. "I have a big surprise for you, we are going to meet the padres." He said with a grin. At first I did not believe him. But he had my Padre jersey in the car and told me our family friend Diane arranged the special event for us. This is going to be so cool.
When we got to Qualcom, we were led to the field for a meet and greet. Some other people were there too. I was so exited to be on the field I asked if go to the game but he said no dragging me away.
When I was in kindergarten, my dad showed up at my school and took me out early. "I have a big surprise for you, we are going to meet the padres." He said with a grin. At first I did not believe him. But he had my Padre jersey in the car and told me our family friend Diane arranged the special event for us. This is going to be so cool.
The best part of all was to have my picture taken with my favorite players: Sean Burroughs, Bubba Tramell, Bruce Boachy, and Mark kotsay.
I was finally able to meet my favorite player ,Ryan Klesko #30. I have never been more exited. He stood only 2 feet away from me. I looked up he looked a lot taller than on tv. I slowly extended my hand and asked him to sign my ball. He singed my ball and asked if I wanted his batting gloves and he gave me one. I said thanks. "You have two hands right so why don't you have two bating gloves?" He said giving me the other one. When he gave me those gloves I thought I was going to pass out. THen he walked over to the batting cages. "Wow I wish I could hit like that."
It was one of the most special days of my life. My grandpa made a poster for me using all the pictures taken that day that hangs in my room reminding me of that special day.
14 comments:
You might want to add more description into your hot spot so you can tell you're trying to expand it. Right now it seems kid of choppy and is just stating in order what happened.
This is very well written. I liked your lead. There are a few spelling mistakes. And one of your players last names is not capitalized. Otherwise, it is great.
You have a really good lead, it brought me into the story. I also like how you talk to the reader it sets a good tone. It's a good story to tell and I can tell you enjoyed the moment you wrote about.
Good sentence structure, I like how you don't tell what isn't necessary to know to enjoy the piece.
But you could fix some spelling and make some things clearer and easier understandable.
Expand on your focal point, and be more descriptive. This will make your memoir longer and more interesting to read. Other than that nice work.
Great job but there is some minor mistakes with your spelling. Then your all set
Great job Jack! Your memoir is very well written. You may want to consider adding a little more detail on when you were taken out of school. You are a great writer and this really shows the potential of your writing abilities.
i liked ur intro. it is really descriptive. you really showed how excited you were to meet the padres. the structure was really good. i would be proud of the intro. try to be a little more descriptive.
Jack, you are doing great but you should try to discribe a little more and you try to write more
I like the story but it is a bit confusing. Who is Diane? And there were a few spelling mistakes. I like the interior monologue but I am not sure if it is interior monologue.
Ex: This is going to be so cool. A little more to your hot spot would be nice.
Jack,
some of the strengths in your piece are your use of gesture. I think that you could be a little more descriptive in the middle but I lied that you separated the time periods well.
I could not tell your tone much so you should work on that and I think you should add some smaller sentences. Your use of gesture was good along with your dialog.
I think you should be proud of your first and second to last paragraph's. I think you should work on the middle.
some writing techniques you should include are the 5 senses use some better word choices.
You need to expand on a focal point a lot more instance expand on your meeting with ryan klesko. Describe how you felt and how you talked to him. How did he act towards you? How did you feel when you were taking a picture with him? How did you feel when you left, amazed, light hearted, walking on thin air?
You kind of skipped a little, ex:
"When we got to Qualcom, we were led to the field for a meet and greet. Some other people were there too. I was so exited to be on the field I asked if go to the game but he said no dragging me away."
Add that at the end after you meet the players.
I think if you take my advice and your classmates you piece will be great.
son,
this is much better than the first draft. you have definitely stretched out the important part with klesko. i would like to see more sensory description of what is was like to be on the field at qualcom stadium. what di you hear, smell, feel? have you got a title yet?
i think you could add a sentence or 2 to the beginning of this piece.
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